Closing Doors

 There are places, people, and ideas of this world that make us feel somehow bound to the nitty gritty aspects of their ways. Something about the way that we emotionally felt about specific subjects upon the matter makes us feel as if there is an obligation to create a permanent attachment to the principle.

Almost as if we hold the authority to carry the blade on to our forearm, cast a wound, and watch in a dazed and almost stupid awe at the mark it has left. Knowing, if the flesh was cut juuust deep enough, that the graceful fluidity of the warm and thick blood traveling from the wound is a permanent remembrance of the pain that was endured.

Here’s the thing.

There is a skeleton format in which is followed accordingly in order to receive some form of profound emotional reciprocation to an event, idea or person. Caring, loving, and genuine attachments. We are physiologically and cognitively made to tie these strings and essentially create these wounds.

I’m not saying that I have a heart made of stone, but after plenty of life that has been lived- there are a lot of things that a person learns how to stomach.

You don’t have to feel broken as you walk through the elements of the places that held once significant meaning.

You don’t have to feel wasted and destroyed as you drive across the city that now holds your most recurring nightmares.

You don’t have to feel torn apart as you say hello to a person who has once hurt you.

Because there is no feeling bound to these places so long as you make them there. Utilize the knowledge of knowing who YOU ARE, and not what you WERE.

Because, really, there is no such thing as the you who existed a year ago, a month ago, or even 2 minutes ago. As time goes on, there’s a change within each moment in life in what you think, how your heart pumps, and who you are.

There is never going to be a moment where you get back the time that you stood in front of the television or even standing in line at Starbucks. There will always be the same place, but never the same you. Sure, there will be different people, but there will also be a different you.

So long as our perceptions keep changing and the world keeps spinning, the situations, philosophies and stories that we are all handed are gifts that could be used in whichever way we want them to be used.

Until next time,

Reyna Michelle

Dear blog,

It been a hard time for me to really accept that it's people that do the changing, not life. Situations are hard, and the situations that come together along with people are what make life. And life, quite frankly, is hard.
Actions are provoked by thoughts, and thoughts are provoked by actions.

I keep getting upset about the things that are changing, and I have this imaginary facade that I would come home and think that I could push through the things that are the most troubling.

But as much as I try to keep my life here, I know that I don't belong here anymore. Yes, this was my life, but my new life is somewhere else. I panic when I start to feel like this life that I love will no longer be in my grasp anymore.

Dear blog,
I have fallen in love.
I have fallen in my new life, my new friends, my new self. I have fallen madly, and deeply in love with this. I love how my friends make me feel about people, and I love how my friends make me feel to be loved. I love the freedom, the clean slate, the purity that comes along with starting fresh. Almost like you've been reborn. What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing, really I guess.

People will change, and your thoughts of people would change. Characteristics that don't align with preference or perceptions of fairness are what, I feel at least, make the hardest conflicts.

Blog, I can let people hurt me as much as possible, but being away from home has made me realize the life that I left behind. Not the town, not the people, but the situations. The yelling, the hurt, the dysfunctional separation can't hurt me anymore. I don't belong here, anymore.

I don't belong to the me that was here.

-Reyna

You were supposed to be

I hung up the phone with a sing-songie voice.
At times, I would stay quiet so that the other line couldn't hear my voice actually shake.

Full of flawlessness and genuine love
Being corrupted in this tragic world
It hurts to see such beauty be stomped, ruined, and trampled
By the ugly ugly ugly ugly ugliness of this world

The purity
The innocence
and genuine love

Taken full advantage of, and deceived
The oceans of iniquity swallowed this perfection whole, and there was nothing that I could do to save it

Because now, things are ruined. Permanently Tainted.
And the anticipation for the bloom of success is now engulfed by the raging sea and drowned in the abyss of emptiness

God has a plan for us

But we have free will.
Free. free. will.

Free will that allows us to be swallowed by the tragedies of the world

Do we say that drug-addicts are living out to God's plan?
What about the users who hurt their families and die never knowing Him?
It's because of free will.

Free will took this purity away
The decisions of this imperfect world STOLE what was so beautiful

It hurts
and we can never get this impurity back

I'm Okay {Personal Blog Post}

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that.

There are times where I feel like my anxiety is going to consume all of me. I'm so frightened for my own existence. I'm so afraid that I'm no benefit or help to anyone. I feel like sometimes I don't have anything to offer to people.
Sometimes I feel too afraid to leave my bed, because I'm not good enough to take on what the day has to offer to me.

But I'm only me. Little. Little Me.
Focusing on change is whats essential for my poor little broken heart. I feel broken, and I've said that I'm broken over and over again. But I know that I'm not alone; I may forget, but I know that I'm not.

So this leads me to the question: Where am I today?

Well, I'm so grateful to find that my personal key antidote to my seemingly never ending melancholy is- get this- Love. Its not like I was ever unaware from knowing love's true and never-ending benefits. It's just that...I was always looking at the hurt that comes from it.

With love, comes pain.
Pain that makes you feel unwanted,
unsure
neglected
insignificant

I guess, for the longest time, I was only letting myself see the hurt in love. I mean, that all I knew. I didn't grow up as a Christian.
I mean, we knew God, went to a Catholic church on sundays. But I wasn't a self-sacrificial follower of Jesus until I was 16 years old.

My parents divorced when I was 10, and it was then that I learned too soon of what heart-ache, neglect and sadness truly is. I feel like sadness is a word that is far too undermined. Sadness can be one of the most self-destructive, or most therapeutic things a person can feel.
My young little self learned these complexities far too young.
It only continued,
I only let myself be hurt by other people, because I felt thats what I deserved. I put up a barrier.

But we learn and we grow. I'm almost 20.
Can you believe that, blog? I started this when I was at the hardest time in my life, and it's going to move on to 2 years since I began this blog journey. I'm so thankful for words, memories, and love.

Love was what was destructing me for so long; but it's also what's saved my life.

I don't know how my life would be without the friends and family that I have. Sometimes it's hard to shake off the feelings of insecurities. But I'm only me. Little. Little me.
Little me just taking it one day at a time.

I am content.
With where I am, and who I love
Thank you, God, for the gift of love and allowing us to love you.

-Reyna

Daughter of Christ

It's hard to admit that I'm a daughter of the Almighty and perfect God.

It's hard to realize that the blessed Messiah would pour his perfect and holy blood for my salvation

I guess the whole point of being a Christian is to admit that we don't deserve it.

But I feel like I don't deserve anything

I don't know where I'm going with this. But my dear blog, I just want to record that it was hard, today.

It is a constant battle to refrain from being engulfed of every single insecurity that I have.
It hurts so so much

How profound it is to not be missed
How troublesome it is to not be loved
By the worldly figures of shared blood
For the eyes betrayed the heart with tears of perceived sorrow
seemingly
I believed
But deep down I always knew
That one day I would be looking for you
You
Who ever you are
Him
Her
Me
Myself
Who are you?

I can't help but cry
I feel the heaviness of my eyes grow puffy and dry
But I can't waste my time with pitiful why's
Because why isn't the only answer

I suppose there's no moral yet,
But all in time will I understand
who
For such worldly things are above my head
And such understandings are but yet,
The only key to understanding distress

So I will rest my heart
Rest my soul
And save my smile

Because apparently, we're not alone in this crazy world. And despite all of the silly assumptions of character and knowledge, we all don't get it. Hah, we just don't.
Is something that my friends and I say.

I guess no matter how impossible life seems, we're all given the gift of emotions.
We are given the gift to be hurt, and to feel love because it is what we deeply, deeply desire.
I will save my smile. I guess for the sake of myself
But mostly because, I truly have a reason to. As does every one else.
So chin up,
Because this hurt is the outcome of a gift
Not a burden
Just because we don't like something, doesn't mean that it can't teach us anything.
-Reyna

Consequences

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Eric.

Pardon my lack of knowledge, but Eric's precise age in this story is unknown.
Eric also had a little sister who used to call him Erica just to get on his nerves; he really hated being called Erica. Oh, and he also loved to eat sticks of butter while hiding behind the refrigerator. He also had his collection of Pokemon cards, Nascar toys, and Bionicle figures.
Eric was in elementary school.

One day, the teacher said, "Since you all behaved so badly, you will all take the consequences"
Eric was so scared of this foreign word, that he told our mom that he refused to go to school. When he told her, "She said we're going to face the consequences," my mom gently explained to him that this word meant no harm. She then proceeded to tell the teacher that she should not be speaking to students in such a way that would frighten them.

Eric is the kinda guy who would be my best friend in high school, to care not to conform to the social statuses in the general norm and just be himself. His geeky, nerdy self. I guess I take back what I have to say about the whole best friend in high school thing. I'm blessed to call this guy my brother. He's the best because I know what kinda guy he is. Sweet, innocent, caring, self-respectful, compassionate, and loving. He's an amazing man that I love watching grow more and more curious about God, and open to learning more about Him.

I don't know why I told this story. I guess it's to remind myself of the little innocent things that would make me smile. Eric is the kinda guy who would stay home with his sister and mom and watch the Ellen Show, to hug his puppy and make the connections with friends that are intuitive and who matter. I love my brother. So, so much.

And don't worry Gagie, your blog post is coming soon. (My other brother)

I love both of my big brothers. So So much.

-Your little sister, Reyna

Happiness Runs In A Circular Motion

You guys remember that commercial with the cheerios and stuff? I like that commercial.

Knowing and understanding what happiness is, is different than living in it. I know that for me personally, it was almost impossible to live in happiness; even though I ever so badly wanted to. I just couldn't. Not that I wouldn't but that I couldn't.
But it's pretty much everywhere. It's all around us and it's seemingly inevitable to escape this bubble of unhappiness that we're confined in. Yet, we see society through an unhappy lens.
But we all know how really messed up society is, and factually, not everyone is happy.

Did you know that 80% of people with clinical depression are not receiving help for it?
And also, 20% more of Americans are diagnosed yearly.
I supposed this also connects with the controversy of depression being a product of the medical industry. Me? I believe in depression. Because I lived through it for longer than I should have. Yes, people are over diagnosed, but those that are severely suffering should most definitely get help.

What happens when you break an arm? You get a cast.
Lets dig deeper.

What happens when a child has epilepsy? Do we give them 21st century medication? Of course we give them medicine!

So why wouldn't a depressed person do that with their brain?

I know that for me, there was a chemical imbalance because of my Grave's Disease. Just as any other clinically depressed patient, there were abnormal issues that were chemically happening in my brain, and it was only becoming worse because I refused to take medicine.
When I started taking serotonin supplements, I noticed a significant change in my mood; I wasn't happier, but I wasn't sad. And that was what was most important: I was no longer sad.

SO! Here are some ways that you can naturally enhance your day with happiness and not sad feelings (:

1. Do not overstimulate- Take one thing in at a time, if you have a full schedule, organize a calendar. Make sure that you do prioritize the things that are important, and head in to them with a confident mindset. Also, having a clean working/living space is also very helpful.
2. Take Care of Yourself- It feels good to eat well. As delicious as pizza is, it is unhealthy. And as yummy and stimulating as coffee is, it is far too unhealthy. There ARE healthy alternatives to everything; even pizza. I'm not saying "go vegan" oh heavens no. But just be aware of the nutrients your body needs on the daily. Actually, I did a research project in my nutrition class on the effects of junk food and skin. My results were quite intriguing (:
3. Be Around Good People- Now, there's not really such thing as a "good person", but be around the people who make you feel 100% comfortable with yourself. People you do not have to walk on eggshells around (yes, they do exist). The reason why I love my friends is because we are so ourselves around each other, that anything we might do to tick someone off (which actually never really happens) is immediately resolved. Find friends that love you for everything that you are, and you love them for everything that they are. I write more about this in my post called, "Happily Me".
4. Get Some Fresh Air- I love video games as much as the next kid, but sunlight and outside IS good for you. As funny as those internet jokes about being a social outcast are; please do not take them to full seriousness. Being outside has a variety of benefits for your mental health. The sun and wind on your skin will make you feel awake and ready for the day.

And that's about it!

Until next time,

Reyna Michelle

Chasing Shadows

August 29, 2014

Me and a friend of mine at my university sat down together to have a nice catching up conversation during lunch time. Needless to say, my frosted flakes were quite soggy due to my lack of attention for them. Haha, my oh my was this conversation much needed, and far too profound to not record on to my blog.

The most genuine and meaningful relationships to me are the ones that allow myself to profoundly connect with the other person on an intellectual, real, cognitive correlation; to be in tuned with the other person while connecting our personal levels of intuition and discernment based upon personal circumstances. 

This friend means so much to me, and I have so much respect for this person and the things that this person has gone through.

We talked about the heaviest moments in our lives that reached to the point where I was almost in tears listening to my friend's stories.

The amount of darkness, frustration and anger that was felt to our religion was mutually understood.

For the first time, my friend felt ashamed for the circumstances that she was born in. She felt ashamed to be as privileged while there is a completely dark world full of rape, failed police systems, and abuse. Ashamed for being a woman who can't physically help any of these circumstances, and ashamed for being the ethnicity that she is.

It even got me to feel the same way. It makes me feel terrible to see how I am able to attend a 41,000 dollar private university with my intellect going somewhere; while somewhere in this world, there is a woman who is just as smart, just as capable- but is unable to go anywhere with it.

It's not fair that my brother's life was saved with high-tech medical attention while families are losing each other from terrible diseases without even a chance to fight.

Summer 2014

I can't answer the question, "why do bad things happen"

I parked in the middle of some parking lot near my house, rested my head on the steering wheel, and cried my eyes out. I cried as hard as I could, and I prayed to God to somehow reassure those who are lost and confused. I prayed for Him to show me that He is real, and that my salvation was not for nothing. I sat there for a long time, gasping in between my sobs and turned the radio on to Christian worship.

I stood still and listened, silently coughing tiny sobs and let the tears roll down my flushed cheeks as the radio went on about this loving God who is always faithful.

But then I remembered, my salvation did happen on a specific day, but it was not the end of the hard times I would have to go through in life.

I was looking for answers so fast that I was so distraught to not see them in an immediate response. 

There is spiritual holiness, and worldly wickedness. When there is good, there is evil. When there is no evil, how would we know what is good? When there is only good, how will we learn to be genuinely grateful and appreciative? God has these detrimental experiences for us so we can learn; to feel. To allow us to be angry over something. To allow us to wish empathy and love for others.

Even though these events are absolutely not part of our human desires, we tend to get angry with the things that the world can't give to us.

And this world is wicked: there is death, there is rape, robbery, diseases. This world is not our permanent home, but the world that we will grow, struggle, and learn in.

-Reyna Michelle

"As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.” John 9:1-5

"Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble? In arrogance the wicked hotly pursue the poor; let them be caught in the schemes that they have devised. For the wicked boasts of the desires of his soul, and the one greedy for gain curses and renounces the Lord. In the pride of his face the wicked does not seek him; all his thoughts are, “There is no God.” His ways prosper at all times; your judgments are on high, out of his sight; as for all his foes, he puffs at them." Psalm 10:1-5

~~~~~

"If the first and lowest operation of pain shatters the illusion that all is well, the second shatters the illusion that what we have, whether good or bad in itself, is our own and enough for us. Everyone has noticed how hard it is to turn our thoughts to God when everything is going well with us. We ‘have all we want’ is a terrible saying when ‘all’ does not include God. We find God an interruption. As St Augustine says somewhere, ‘God wants to give us something, but cannot, because our hands are full—there’s nowhere for Him to put it.’ Or as a friend of mine said, ‘We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it’s there for emergencies but he hopes he’ll never have to use it.’ Now God, who has made us, knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him. Yet we will not seek it in Him as long as he leaves us any other resort where it can even plausibly be looked for. While what we call ‘our own life’ remains agreeable we will not surrender it to Him. What then can God do in our interests but make ‘our own life’ less agreeable to us, and take away the plausible source of false happiness?" -C.S Lewis

Happily Me

The answer to the question, "who am I" seems like one that is inevitably insolvable.

The human brain is said to have finished development in our mid-twenties, which means that our cognition for decision making, as well as personality, is still in the continuation of it's works. I am a nineteen year old young woman who is attending college; who also happens to hold a strong-willed personality on her shoulders. I guess in the traces of human development (which I will be taking this coming fall semester from the psychological and neurotic point of view), a person develops his or her personality and temperament from the time he or she is a toddler. So, it's not a matter of a person changing up until he or she is twenty, rather, he or she matures more in to the traits that he or she has always had.

My name is Carmela Michelle Martinez.

I was born in the year 1995; the prime time of the immense escalate of the video game industry. Brilliant classics were continued to be chucked and thrown at our faces with mind-blowing entertainment and excitement. We had the Dreamcast, original Playstation, Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Nintendo 64.

Spiro the Dragon ~ Crash ~ Banjo and Kazooie ~ Resident Evil ~ Silent Hill ~Diddy Kong Racing ~ 007 - EVERYTHING. Including, my favorite, the Legend of Zelda.

Oh it was a grand time, indeed.

I grew up with two older brothers who were absolutely engulfed in the world of video games, and I was also six years old when I played my first Legend of Zelda game that changed my life.

Warm Springs Elementary School was the school that showed me to not be who I am. I was bullied, physically pushed, and ostracized by my peers. The girls my age wanted to play dolls, but all I really cared about were the new Nintendo hand-held consoles that were being released. I wanted to read and explore more of the things that I wondered about; always seeking answers to questions no one else really cared about. I remember quoting one of my favorite books, and the girls looked at me with such distaste, that I felt like garbage. It was as if I wasn't supposed to think the things that I did, and that if I shared any of my thoughts, it was wrong.

I continued in Junior High at a different city, and went on with my 4.0 streak with ease. It was in high school where the events of elementary school finally caught up to me.

Long story short, I was NOT bullied in high school, even though for whatever reason, everyone thinks I was. The teachers did suck, and the curriculum was bogus enough for me to not take seriously. Plus, I was even more depressed with not being myself, that I grew this repulsive form of self-hatred.

Why am I telling this story? Because it's part of the journey that I had to go through to learn and find out who I am, as well as how the decisions that I made in the course of my life led me up to where I am today.

Today, I am Reyna Michelle Martinez. The video-game, comic book loving, derpy, dorky and nerdy girl who loves reading, writing and expressing her thoughts out loud. Who also just so happens to love makeup, fashion and girly things. (Yes, the two CAN go together)

No more suppressing. No more hiding.

In the summer of 2014, a cousin that I grew up with had passed away. He was only 20 years old and had lived his life by the lesson that a lot of us learned on the day of his passing. To be yourself.

Yeah, the cliche movies tell us this all of the time. But really, he didn't care. He loved being himself, and lived his life without us remembering the harsh reality of the condition of his heart.

I can't explain the brilliance of my cousin. Really, you would have had to know him to understand; and frankly, I am so glad that I do. I'm also glad that I was able to speak and share the wonderful memories and lessons that he brought to us during his life at his funeral.

I was bullied for being myself. But who cares? I HATED who I was pretending to be. Now that I am nineteen, I love being so expressive of my geekyness. I love who I am. I don't give a rat's ass if someone hates me for being myself- and that's just it! If ANYONE out there hates you for being yourself, THEY are the one with the problem. We were born to be unique and significantly individualized in our own way.

I promise you, that now that I let myself be me, I have never felt more content in life. I have also met the most AMAZING people who mean the whole world to me because they know and love who I truly am.

Read books, make videos, start a blog! Whatever it may be, you are gifted in what you love. Whether it may be thinking, research, talking, dancing, singing.

My cousin was born with an unhealthy heart. But his WHOLE LIFE was dedicated to what he loved: video games. He was always on top of the newest releases, the newest updates- you name it. And he sure as hell didn't care what anyone else thought of that; while there are healthy people who hide what they love to do because of the fear of being wrongfully judged by other people.

I love to blog, I love to express my thoughts, I love to read, I love to research, and I love to help people. & I will do just that!

Doubt has killed more dreams than failure ever has

Yours Truly,

Reyna Michelle

{Adorkable Thoughts} Counting Sheep

Hello, dorks!

As I have mentioned before, I have been working on a little psychology section for my blog...and well, here's the first post!

I decided to go easy on this one; sleep is all a part of psychology 101. Am I right? I am no psychologist, and I am certainly no doctor. But this blog segment is called AdorkableTHOUGHTS, and not AdorkableFACTS for just that reason.

So! Here's the run down. I saw this picture on the internet:

Some of these little "Did you know" psychology posts are essentially wrong. But, whether the source of this picture is reliable or not, this content does hold a bit of truth; and here's why!

As we have all learned in our general psychology class, that we are mostly required to take, our brain has these things called pons. The signals of REM sleep starts from here, and ends up in the region of the brain called the thalamus. But why am I telling you that? You obviously learned this in a general psych course.

Point of Relevancy So Far: The thalamus has a few jobs (like sleep). But it's primary function is mainly sensory and movements.

OH! And the whole"acting out your dreams" disorder is actually called RBD (REM Behavioral Disorder) Sorry, I forgot to mention that in the beginning..

So here, our little pons are shouting out these sleep signals throughout different regions of our brain, and not just the thalamus. Here's the cool part: the pons then shout out this signal to our neurons that are associated with our spinal cord. Thus, causing a temporary paralysis.

Anything that is involved with interrupting this process is generally the outcome of someone with RBD.

And RBD is not the only sleeping disorder; we all know about the popular ones like insomnia or narcolepsy.

Well, that's it for this post! Whether it was "omg Reyna DUH. I learned this in class the other day" or "Oh cool..."

This is it.
I will be doing more posts like these sometime in the future as well! But maybe not so basic. I wanted to take it easy on my first go ^_^

Until next time,

Reyna Michelle

Back on Campus: Move In Day Anticipation

This is Hope Hall

Hope Hall is going to be my new home for the next 9 or so months. I will be living on the north side, second floor, Anchored.

I am beyond excited to be able to spend this next chapter in my life in one of the most nice and beautiful dorms on campus.

Oh yeah, and Hope is actually co-ed! Woo! Living in an all girl's dorm was really not as bad as everyone thinks it is. However! I am still really stoked!!

I want to take this blog post and rewind to exactly a year ago in this time period. It was approaching the beginning of the fall semester and I was seeing all of these advertisements for college move-in day; the stores, television, billboards...it was EVERYWHERE.

The more I saw "College Move-In Day" stuff, the more depressed I became.

I started taking college classes when I was 16 years old. I physically graduated and finished my high school experience on the grounds of a community college campus. I graduated with High Honor Roll from high school while simultaneously making the Dean's List for my college classes. When I saw that the rest of my classmates and friends were all moving away to college, I was heart broken. It was a very hard time in my life, and it was most necessary for me to make the most devastating decision to stay home for a semester and transfer into a university in the middle of the year.

The Fall semester of 2013 was really the hardest time in my life. I will not go into extreme detail, but it was definitely very, very hard.

My brother was diagnosed with cancer, my family went through a very tough financial crisis that almost left us without a home, my grandmother passed away from cancer, and the depression that was physically eating away at my brain took a stronger hold of my being. It was the first time in my life where suicide became a very considerable option. I WILL NOT underplay how serious suicide is. I have lost those who were close to me from this, and I have had very close friends of mine who are survivors of this terrible and horrific tragedy.

I went to my awesome adult doctor (pshh, I am passed the pediatrician business), and she suggested therapy. Ironically enough, since therapy is my future career choice, I found that it really didn't work out too much for me. Yes, I do learn a lot from it, but I'm more fascinated about the methods and techniques rather than bettering myself. Yeahh I'm weird.

At the time, I have been STRONGLY against taking anti-depressives for myself. But as my brain was only decaying more and more, I really had no other choice than to finally give in. (the medication actually started in the summer of 2014)

I felt like a failure. All of my friends were moving away to beautiful universities and I was still stuck at the same community college that I went to since I was 16. I felt not good enough. I felt like I was too stupid and unworthy of reaching high opportunities. I felt like a loser who was just...stuck.

~~~

Nevertheless, I made it. I did it. In January of 2014, I transferred to Biola University. The school that has brought me so much happiness, knowledge and joy. At Biola, I have met THE MOST amazing people, and I have been able to happily grow and blossom there.

It is now Fall 2014, and unlike Fall 2013, I will be returning to Biola University. I will be able to leave. Now, when I see back-to-school ads, I get excited. I laugh and jump around the notebook isle in Target, while I sing about how I can't wait to go back.

As I type this, I'm actually beaming with excitement. I can't wait to be back in a classroom while I stake notes and intently listen to a profound lecture.

It's only a matter of time. But for now, I will spend all of the time that I can with family and friends.

Until next time, 

Reyna Michelle

~Goodbye, Cold Stone~

My-oh-my has it been a fun run. Next week marks my last week at Cold Stone Creamery, and although I do plan on returning next summer (if they offer me a position there), I feel like now is the official goodbye. I have had this job since I was a senior in high school, and now that I am a sophomore in college, it's time for me to mainly focus on bigger places for a job; maybe even unpaid internships for experience in the professional work field. Working here has definitely showed me the importance of diligence, authority, and the importance of understanding, as well as communicating with a variety of people.

I'm going to miss getting paid to eat ice cream, and I'm going to miss being able to get a bunch of free ice cream. Haha, my freezer would normally be jammed up with little red Cold Stone cups stacked one on top of the other.
I have met so many amazing people here, and I have made friendships that I hope will last a very long time.

And as much as I hate to admit it (well, more embarrassed to admit it), yes, I did have the wonderful opportunity to meet and date a wonderful guy who worked there.

And yes, I always said that I will never date my co-worker, buuut I am glad that I took this chance.
I don't regret it, and I never will.

I met some wonderful people there that also taught me a lot about religion; mostly more of the religion that I personally hold.

I am also so proud of the mission middle college students who I got to work with. I am so grateful for the opportunity to share shifts with them and watch them grow in the same place that I did.

There is so much more that I could write about, but that would take a very long time. For now, I am going to end this blog post with a smile.

Goodbyes do suck, but they will never take away the joy and growth that took place in the past.

Until next time,
Reyna Michelle

Update Post

Whats one of the hardest things about being an internet girl?
Commitment and time management.

I just have to say: I have it pretty easy right now. There is just no excuse for me to be lacking in posts, and dragging my mind with these profound thoughts while ignoring to put them down on this spot. The reason why I have it so easy is because it is summer. No homework, no classes; just work. Just work that allows me to have free time as soon as I clock out and end the shift. I know that when I return to college, blogging is going to be so much more difficult; especially since I want it to be a bigger part of my life in the future.

But here's the thing: Yes, I have divided up my blog page to be dedicated towards different topics; one being psychology. But quite frankly, having a psychology blog is a lot harder than I thought it would be. And no, I wasn't downplaying the challenge at all; I understood the amount of effort that would need to be put into it. But having a psychology blog is insanely time consuming. Along with it comes research, facts, sources, and articles that all need to be read and processed while I spit it out in my own Reyna-style of writing. Along with all of that comes ideas. What I want to research, as well as how much I'm going to elaborate on it.

Sigh. But, I will find my way to approaching a topic that I will be able to have fun with elaborating on. And, I am still planning to dedicate my hobby of blogging further more.

Until next time,

Rey

Heart Beats

A wise and respected teacher of mine once told the class, "Don't waste our heartbeats."

I previously wrote a post called "Beats by Rey". It was a cheesy title, yes. But lately, I have been considering the preciousness of life as well as the unfathomable value that a beat of a heart costs. It's amazing to believe that at one point in our life, we all begin our heartbeats at a relatively close age. Of course, this all begins prenatally.
When our mothers are in the doctor's office, and the nurse contributes with his or her job and sets up the ultrasound, the heartbeat that is heard then, comes from the exact same heart that we will have for the rest of our lives.

I just want to stop and truly appreciate how beautiful and valuable that truly is.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb"- Psalm 139:13

God has intended for our hearts to beat for every second of our lives, until it is our inevitable destiny to participate in our goodbyes with this temporary body and world. He, who is Great in Himself has created us in His holy image; in which we are made to radiate in His righteous goodness. The all omniscient Lord calls for us to be reminded that we are each a unique masterpiece- specially crafted by His hands. That our time here on this world is most valued by everything that we touch, and everything that we impact.

Our time here, is not to impress. Our lives are held to be so sacred because of the things that we touch, and not by the things that we show ourselves to be.

Along with everyone else, I have gained, and I have lost. I would be lying if I said that I was never persuaded with the temptations of giving away the gift of my heartbeats.

But each day is a whole knew day of growing and learning more about this gift that we, in an  undeserving state, have been given. That although our beats are numbered, and as the time of our existence is eventually vanquished; that the beats of our hearts are most certainly not only for ourselves, but for the listening and enjoyment of others as well.

-Rey

I am an Optimist Prime

If there has ever been a time where there was a necessity to see the light at the end of the tunnel; it would be now. Despite my stubborn personality, my need for remaining optimistic became very reliant on the grounds of stabilizing my health. I always found myself trying to differentiate the attributes of a pessimist and realist; in contrast to a realist and optimist. Can optimism and realism really be successfully cohabitant? I would love to answer with, "I don't see why not."

But what if the realm of optimism is, in itself, a biased one? I mean, you can use the same logic with pessimism, I suppose...

Nevertheless, the human mind is never bias free. Decisions are made and opinions are regarded in correlation to bias. What makes bias so different? From each person, and from each mind. Why do we solidify our own world views and hold them to be our personal truth?

Well, if your truth does not relatively meet the same terms as my own, then you sir, are wrong. But what if our personal truth is not what makes bias different? Oh what is most interesting about bias is that it is not reliant upon one factor.

Ew, I hate using the word "factor". That's one of the words you use when you want to try to make yourself sound smart, when, in most certainty, you have no idea what other sophisticated word works best for the placement of a noun.

I am an optimist. Not because I want to be, but because I have to be. I am biased. Something in my upbringing or cognitive development was different than one of a pessimist.

However, it's with this mindset that will bring me to my best potential state of health.

I apologize for my short post. Yeah, I don't have much time to elaborate more on these feelings.

Really, I don't have much time. I'm on vacation. I will do my best to blog about that as well.

-Rey

Yours Truly

So, there has come a moment where my blog page has hit a stump; which explains the lacking of  blog posts. For some reason, I find myself to be a little...stuck.

I know that for the past few posts, I have been focusing on fun topics that are in correlation to my major, as well as how I like to give my shpiell on them.

Yet, I find myself stumbling upon finishing a post for the longest time. If only the evidence of my full draft bin can be viewed by the public, it would be almost sad to see how many of these blog ideas go unfinished.

Why these posts might be so unfulfilled might just be because that is just how I was feeling at the time. No, maybe not so much unfulfilled. But, something was definitely off with me. Something was off when the moment came that I lost interest in a lot of the things that I found to be so pleasurable before. I actually love blogging. I love thinking and stretching my mind and ideas. I love receiving feedback from others who have read the things that I freely choose to share.

But I was stuck. There came a point in my life where I realized that something was off. Something was wrong. I don't know when it began, and I don't know how ruthless it was at attacking my thoughts. I found myself to be far more drained, and exhausted. Even after picking up plenty of more hours at work, the constant movement was also taking it's toll on my health in general.

It's not like this stump is anything that is new to me. I mean, we've all had this stump come some time in all of our lives. It's just all a matter of how we choose to get over them. I guess my stump was a little too big for me to handle on my own. But I have chosen my own method of how this stump will be leaped over, and how I can return to enjoy the things that I love.

I have made the decision that there are going to be plenty of changes happening in my life. A change of thought, a change of perception, and a change of lifestyle.

This blog page is called Yours Truly, and I decided that from now on, this page will be of my personal life, as well as the adventures that I will be having. I will be making another blog page soon that will be in relation to social topics, encouragement and psychology. But until then, my focus is on clearing this stump and finally organizing my thoughts together.

The Lonely Ladybugs: Utilizing Will Power and Control

It was in 5th grade when I was asked: "What image comes into your mind when you hear the word "Lonely".

My ten year old little gears in my mind went to wheeling and I spoke up and said, "I picture a sad little lady bug in the corner of a dark room, but there is a spotlight on him. Even though the light is shining on him, he's not comfortable with showing his face."

Why on Earth did I picture a lady bug? Beats me.

But I guess I relate to that form of imagery more than I thought I ever would; it is also in my inner most hopes that y'all are able to relate as well.

Lets cut aside the 5th grade portion of this image and replace the lady bug with ourselves. For some reason, I imagine myself in my most vulnerable state. I feel like the light is shining on every single imperfection that I could think of about my self; magnified for the whole world to see. I mean, this could be centered around body image. But I'm talking more about the things that I hate about myself. (I blogged about getting through a tribulation of hating myself in a previous post on this blog page called, Glamping. So, I'm not that much of a pessimist.)

I'm digging deeper into my thoughts and now image an audience as I cowardly crouch with my hands over my head; wishing that the smiles of mockery and laughter would stop.

I'm a joke. A laughing stock. Everything about me is worthless and insignificant to everyone.

The insecurities become real and the words more definable. Every negative adjective in the dictionary that you could ever call someone was being shouted, screamed, at me in a powerful voice.

However:

for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7

As creations of the Lord, we are made as an individual masterpiece in His eyes with powerful qualities that make us unique. We are made to be empowered by the ugliness that is thrown at us, and to take that and create it into a new form of love, peace, and serenity. WE have the ability and control; to take our lives in to our own hands.

...and it is so easy to be misinformed of that. 

It is so easy to think that we are inclined to hand over the wheel to someone or something who we think knows better.

What makes them more valuable than us?

There was a recent study that was performed on hundreds of college students in regards to self and other-forgiveness. I suppose the two subjects are self explanatory. Although in reiteration, self forgiveness is the forgiveness of oneself, as other-forgiveness is the forgiveness that one has towards others.

It was observed in the study that the associations between levels of negativity and double standards were held in the two subjects (other and self forgiveness). It was seen that there were higher levels of harshness and more rigid critiques on the perception of themselves, while there was a possession of enhanced sympathy, compassion as well as understanding towards the perception of others.

In conclusion to this sociological study, there are the experiments that prove that it is a natural default for us to feel more negatively on ourselves as opposed to others. Is that why we give the wheel of our lives to society? The media, or the other person who looks like he or she has it all together? Maybe we're doing this not entirely off of admiration, but maybe because we think that we don't have the ability to do things ourselves. 

But guess what. You do. Only you have the ability to take the control away from yourself (and even try shove it over to someone else). But with that control, you have a million and one times MORE control to take your life in to your OWN hands and move away from the shame, turn away from the corner and illuminate in the light that the Lord has always been shining down on you.

Lets stray away from being the ladybug and take a step, and turn around.

It's time to sit up from the corner, and take a step around. The laughing and mockery has now ceased, and the dark room with only one light immediately shines with purity and radiance. The Lord is beckoning you to come to Him, for you are His child. 

casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you
1 Peter 5:7

-Rey

Wonderful World of Color

"If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that is has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning."

This isn't going to be a poem. Nor is this going to be some short story.
This is real, and something oh so very close to my heart. As we all know how the internet works, I have forbidden myself to spill out my inner most secrets on a public website; I also refrain from telling such stories to those who have a tangible relationship with me.

I guess this is for those who know.

For those who understand and do not downplay the seriousness of the suffering that comes along with such secrecy. The suffering, and the courage might I add.

I never knew that we would be those people to dwell in the light of the world with shadows around us.

But how dark are the shadows?

Well how heavy are our worries and burdens? Our fears and our anguish.

The visions that are perceived and processed through our retinas? To be transferred to our brains that trigger the cognition that determines the emotional outcomes that would essentially change our perception; but perhaps not our behavior.

The caution that is predetermined before the interaction of personal contact is made. What does this mean? It's my fancy-shpancy way of feeling the caution that has never been felt before. The caution that you never thought you would need to feel before. The caution that everyone hates to imagine to feel. The knowledge of there being vulnerability on both ends; both emotional, but only one physical.

With such caution would bring back the recognition of memories that were held so deeply in the back of my brain. The crevasses that held happiness that were so genuine and rational.

It was the most profound moment of my life to see the world of color around us. The happiness, laughter and energy that was abundantly running around with the undertones of health and life.

Color. Color. Color.

That's all I could see. All I could see were the muscles that were lively functioning in bodies. Organs that continue to conquer their daily job with lively health. Dark brown hair that flowed on the individuals who held smiles and genuine laughter.

It was as if the world was paused. I continued to ask questions non-stop. Trying to understand, and trying to find a way back in the world of color. To keep from drowning in the repetition of grays and whites that screamed the pounding harsh reality of the world. MY world. No. Our  world.

As much as it may feel to continue to fall and fall and fall without any end. I wouldn't have it any other way.

You know why?

Because this is what we are dealt with. Nothing worse, nothing that we could have any other way. Maybe I don't want it any other way because I can't have it any other way. On the contrary, such acknowledgement would not eliminate the inner opinions (or imagination) of what is ideal and what is not. These are the cards that we are dealt with and the cards that we will play until the end.

The battlefield has not been cleared. We are continuing to run through minefields and heal from the flesh wounds that have made their way into our paths.

Yet, through all of this, we have been able to experience the thriving that comes along with surviving. As unessential as I may have made surviving out to be...ehh I didn't mean it that way. Yes, thriving is far more profound, but as I have also mentioned, there is most definitely a way to make the two successfully cohabitant.

Let us eliminate the negativity in our lives with true intentions. To eliminate the selective impurities that we do have control over eliminating.

Only then, will we remember that the world of color we once lived in will return. I can't pretend and say that although the grays and whites are still abundant, we are still thriving in the world of color; that would only be me lying to myself. Because that is not how I feel.

Nor should I feel inclined to pretend. No. That's not me "being strong" "surpassing the storms that come along through our walk in life"

I have spent a majority of my life masking the pain over and over again. This is real. And we have every right to feel so secluded. No one, or nothing could take away such feelings.

What I think being strong is: is knowing that you are walking through the grays and whites while still producing the positive energy it takes to begin to walk in the world of color. To choose to not live out your daily routine with the knowledge of walking in grays and whites.

This shouldn't take away the hurt in any way. Let us still have the days where we accept the acknowledgements of walking in the place we are at.

I feel, here is where we have the intimate social relations and bonds with others that will surely strengthen our daily walks. A strong support system. A strong and indestructible stability that will be able to hold us up when we feel down.

Yes, there are a plenitude of things that we could do on our own with the power of our own capabilities. But we should also realize that we cannot really go through anything alone in life.

-Rey

Busy Busy Bee Bee

So the lack of blog posts within spring break is not the result or conclusion of me lacking in further interest of keeping up with this page. What is "break"! Haha, but really. I am more than grateful to be able to catch up with the friends I have back in the bay area, as well as being able to use my days here to catch up with as much of them as I could. I really don't think that there was a day in my break where I had time to do absolutely nothing. Yet, I wouldn't prefer it to be any other way! I love my friends, and yes, hanging out with them was immensely phenomenal on my end. Yet, on the other end, I was able to have the opportunity to sit with these amazing people and be allowed in to their stories and be filled with the beautiful knowledge of the events that are happening in their lives. I was able to have the profound opportunity of being able to listen and be a part of what is happening in their world and be able to observe how much they have grown.

Yes, break has been wonderful indeed (:

I wish that I had a specific topic that I could spill my inner most thoughts out about...but I don't. :|

I mean, I do have a ton of ideas that continue to run around my mind. Frankly, I'm not so sure if I have the time to be able to write about them!

I love blogging, I love being able to research, evaluate, and really put a lot of time and effort into these posts. Sadly, time has not been in my hands lately.

I'm leaving back for college tomorrow, and my weeks are only going to fill up faster while I am there.

I know that next week, I have several huge assignments that are due in a few of my classes. The next two week after, I am sure to be spending a majority of my time in the library while studying for finals.

As busy as these next few weeks may seem...I just can't help but remember how close summer is and how much I am going to be able to relax since I had made the decision to not take any summer classes.

However, I am seriously looking for a second job to make more money while I have the time.

Look at me, ranting away on this blog. I mean, I felt compelled to post something on here since it has been quite a while since my last post.

Welp, I guess that's all for this. Merp.

Baaiiii

-Rey

I want to THRIVE not just Survive

Oh Pinterest, you have done it again.
So I may or may not be procrastinating right now in regards to finishing up some last minute homework before I head back over to the Bay Area (eep!)
As I was looking at my past pins, I came across this beauty:

This pin really stands out to me so much. It reminds me of how we reach our darkest times and live in the misery of our deepest and most lost emotional state of mind.
Maybe for those who carry emotional scars, living day after hectic day of life is certainly a survival skill on its own. That each sunrise is another beginning of the battle to stay happy. Or each moon-rise is another painful reminder that tomorrow is coming, and that we need to be ready for the troubles that come along with that.

But we want more than this.

Survival is not the only necessity of living. Thriving is what will contribute to bring our life fulfillment and joy.

Try imagining a life where the sunrise doesn't bring dread, but excitement.

Maybe the moon-rise is beautiful on it's own. A marker that means, "Hey! You made it through today, and you're rocking it"

Thriving is far more profound than surviving. It allows us to see the forest for the trees and the oceans for beauty.

It's as if every one of our senses has been enhanced when we begin to really learn how to thrive in our hectic lives.

The sky is bluer

The air is more breathable

The touch of others becomes more meaningful and connecting

Heck, even food tastes better!

Have any of you seen the movie Limitless? When the guy takes the pill, and all of a sudden, EVERYTHING he perceives is far more enhanced and sharp.

Well, maybe we can take thriving into that context.

Surviving

Surviving is a behavioral trait that belongs in the biological foundations of our brain. We were made in default with the cognition of staying alive and preserving our bloodlines.

Something that I have been recently studying is biblical anthropology from a psychological point of view. There are several evolutionary theories that coincide as to where our morality originates; as well as how and  why it originates. Our ethical and survival motives can be influenced upon the sociobiological reflections of our social relations with others.

Sure, this stuff is all topic-this, topic-that (which can go on for hours). But the point that I'm trying to get at is that survival is our default.

There should be a point at any time in our lives (salvation?) when we grasp a hold on how to implement thriving along with our survival.

Let It Go~ (Thriving)

As explained before, we can learn how to thrive in our days by letting go of the burdens that weigh so heavily in our hearts.

Patience is virtue

Meditating upon the bad in our lives and acknowledging their existence definitely helps. But let us stay cautious between the difference of understanding it's existence and conforming to it.

We need to throw away the feelings of this is all I am and this is all I will ever be.

That is conforming to the negativity in our hearts and lives. Lets not do this.

What about other things that hold us back from thriving? Like I briefly mentioned before, we are greatly influenced by the social communications with others.

Well, this person thinks I suck

or

This person thinks this of me.

They must be thinking these things for a reason. I'm just putting two and two together! That's it. I must really suck.

I was asked a question in regards to a person being 'good' or 'doing good' in the context of a quarrel.

I thought for a while and answered that I don't really believe in there being 'good' in the situation. (Or even on the burdens to them being 'bad'. ) Besides, I am in no position to be the judge of what is good or bad in a situation that I am not a part of.

That's the thing. I think that communications with others are almost never "bad". When I think of bad, I think of there being a seeking of intentionally  hurting someone because of a lack of communication or understanding.

In this conversation, there was no desire for confrontation. (Which can be totally fine. You can't force or push someone to confront when they feel no point to it)

Okay. Let me get to my point now! :P

You don't need the approval of others or the 'understanding' of others to thrive. You don't need them to think that you are a 'good person' in order for you to keep on thriving. If they think that you are something that you are not, or that you have certain viewpoints, then such fallacies come from misunderstandings and lack of proper communication.

But you mustn't let those perceptions keep you down! 

What matters is being sure of who you are to yourself, and in the eyes of the Lord. Not what you are to someone else.

Yes, we are all united as brothers and sisters in Christ. But, under the circumstances of living in the imperfect world that we do, there are bound to be countless amounts of quarrels based upon misunderstandings. What we can do the most on our part is to continue to love and take in consideration the emotional well-being of others, as well as our own.

Thriving comes from within. You can't get it anywhere else but from yourself and the Lord. The more you rely on the approval of others, the harder it is to thrive to the fullest.

To thrive is to live in such a joy and happiness while you continue to grow day after day. Yes! To thrive is to have your heart cleansed by the Lord and using your new cleanliness to run as fast as you can to Him while touching and sharing your joy along with others who may or may not believe. To live life full of happiness and appreciation of the big and little things.

"I want to thrive

not just survive"

Is a beautiful way to remember what it is that we really want in life. To remember that we are made to surpass the defaults of survival and to live in abundant joy and happiness; as well as enjoying the beauty of the world and others.

-Rey