Dear blog,

It been a hard time for me to really accept that it's people that do the changing, not life. Situations are hard, and the situations that come together along with people are what make life. And life, quite frankly, is hard.
Actions are provoked by thoughts, and thoughts are provoked by actions.

I keep getting upset about the things that are changing, and I have this imaginary facade that I would come home and think that I could push through the things that are the most troubling.

But as much as I try to keep my life here, I know that I don't belong here anymore. Yes, this was my life, but my new life is somewhere else. I panic when I start to feel like this life that I love will no longer be in my grasp anymore.

Dear blog,
I have fallen in love.
I have fallen in my new life, my new friends, my new self. I have fallen madly, and deeply in love with this. I love how my friends make me feel about people, and I love how my friends make me feel to be loved. I love the freedom, the clean slate, the purity that comes along with starting fresh. Almost like you've been reborn. What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing, really I guess.

People will change, and your thoughts of people would change. Characteristics that don't align with preference or perceptions of fairness are what, I feel at least, make the hardest conflicts.

Blog, I can let people hurt me as much as possible, but being away from home has made me realize the life that I left behind. Not the town, not the people, but the situations. The yelling, the hurt, the dysfunctional separation can't hurt me anymore. I don't belong here, anymore.

I don't belong to the me that was here.

-Reyna

You were supposed to be

I hung up the phone with a sing-songie voice.
At times, I would stay quiet so that the other line couldn't hear my voice actually shake.

Full of flawlessness and genuine love
Being corrupted in this tragic world
It hurts to see such beauty be stomped, ruined, and trampled
By the ugly ugly ugly ugly ugliness of this world

The purity
The innocence
and genuine love

Taken full advantage of, and deceived
The oceans of iniquity swallowed this perfection whole, and there was nothing that I could do to save it

Because now, things are ruined. Permanently Tainted.
And the anticipation for the bloom of success is now engulfed by the raging sea and drowned in the abyss of emptiness

God has a plan for us

But we have free will.
Free. free. will.

Free will that allows us to be swallowed by the tragedies of the world

Do we say that drug-addicts are living out to God's plan?
What about the users who hurt their families and die never knowing Him?
It's because of free will.

Free will took this purity away
The decisions of this imperfect world STOLE what was so beautiful

It hurts
and we can never get this impurity back

I'm Okay {Personal Blog Post}

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that.

There are times where I feel like my anxiety is going to consume all of me. I'm so frightened for my own existence. I'm so afraid that I'm no benefit or help to anyone. I feel like sometimes I don't have anything to offer to people.
Sometimes I feel too afraid to leave my bed, because I'm not good enough to take on what the day has to offer to me.

But I'm only me. Little. Little Me.
Focusing on change is whats essential for my poor little broken heart. I feel broken, and I've said that I'm broken over and over again. But I know that I'm not alone; I may forget, but I know that I'm not.

So this leads me to the question: Where am I today?

Well, I'm so grateful to find that my personal key antidote to my seemingly never ending melancholy is- get this- Love. Its not like I was ever unaware from knowing love's true and never-ending benefits. It's just that...I was always looking at the hurt that comes from it.

With love, comes pain.
Pain that makes you feel unwanted,
unsure
neglected
insignificant

I guess, for the longest time, I was only letting myself see the hurt in love. I mean, that all I knew. I didn't grow up as a Christian.
I mean, we knew God, went to a Catholic church on sundays. But I wasn't a self-sacrificial follower of Jesus until I was 16 years old.

My parents divorced when I was 10, and it was then that I learned too soon of what heart-ache, neglect and sadness truly is. I feel like sadness is a word that is far too undermined. Sadness can be one of the most self-destructive, or most therapeutic things a person can feel.
My young little self learned these complexities far too young.
It only continued,
I only let myself be hurt by other people, because I felt thats what I deserved. I put up a barrier.

But we learn and we grow. I'm almost 20.
Can you believe that, blog? I started this when I was at the hardest time in my life, and it's going to move on to 2 years since I began this blog journey. I'm so thankful for words, memories, and love.

Love was what was destructing me for so long; but it's also what's saved my life.

I don't know how my life would be without the friends and family that I have. Sometimes it's hard to shake off the feelings of insecurities. But I'm only me. Little. Little me.
Little me just taking it one day at a time.

I am content.
With where I am, and who I love
Thank you, God, for the gift of love and allowing us to love you.

-Reyna

Daughter of Christ

It's hard to admit that I'm a daughter of the Almighty and perfect God.

It's hard to realize that the blessed Messiah would pour his perfect and holy blood for my salvation

I guess the whole point of being a Christian is to admit that we don't deserve it.

But I feel like I don't deserve anything

I don't know where I'm going with this. But my dear blog, I just want to record that it was hard, today.

It is a constant battle to refrain from being engulfed of every single insecurity that I have.
It hurts so so much

How profound it is to not be missed
How troublesome it is to not be loved
By the worldly figures of shared blood
For the eyes betrayed the heart with tears of perceived sorrow
seemingly
I believed
But deep down I always knew
That one day I would be looking for you
You
Who ever you are
Him
Her
Me
Myself
Who are you?

I can't help but cry
I feel the heaviness of my eyes grow puffy and dry
But I can't waste my time with pitiful why's
Because why isn't the only answer

I suppose there's no moral yet,
But all in time will I understand
who
For such worldly things are above my head
And such understandings are but yet,
The only key to understanding distress

So I will rest my heart
Rest my soul
And save my smile

Because apparently, we're not alone in this crazy world. And despite all of the silly assumptions of character and knowledge, we all don't get it. Hah, we just don't.
Is something that my friends and I say.

I guess no matter how impossible life seems, we're all given the gift of emotions.
We are given the gift to be hurt, and to feel love because it is what we deeply, deeply desire.
I will save my smile. I guess for the sake of myself
But mostly because, I truly have a reason to. As does every one else.
So chin up,
Because this hurt is the outcome of a gift
Not a burden
Just because we don't like something, doesn't mean that it can't teach us anything.
-Reyna