Closing Doors

 There are places, people, and ideas of this world that make us feel somehow bound to the nitty gritty aspects of their ways. Something about the way that we emotionally felt about specific subjects upon the matter makes us feel as if there is an obligation to create a permanent attachment to the principle.

Almost as if we hold the authority to carry the blade on to our forearm, cast a wound, and watch in a dazed and almost stupid awe at the mark it has left. Knowing, if the flesh was cut juuust deep enough, that the graceful fluidity of the warm and thick blood traveling from the wound is a permanent remembrance of the pain that was endured.

Here’s the thing.

There is a skeleton format in which is followed accordingly in order to receive some form of profound emotional reciprocation to an event, idea or person. Caring, loving, and genuine attachments. We are physiologically and cognitively made to tie these strings and essentially create these wounds.

I’m not saying that I have a heart made of stone, but after plenty of life that has been lived- there are a lot of things that a person learns how to stomach.

You don’t have to feel broken as you walk through the elements of the places that held once significant meaning.

You don’t have to feel wasted and destroyed as you drive across the city that now holds your most recurring nightmares.

You don’t have to feel torn apart as you say hello to a person who has once hurt you.

Because there is no feeling bound to these places so long as you make them there. Utilize the knowledge of knowing who YOU ARE, and not what you WERE.

Because, really, there is no such thing as the you who existed a year ago, a month ago, or even 2 minutes ago. As time goes on, there’s a change within each moment in life in what you think, how your heart pumps, and who you are.

There is never going to be a moment where you get back the time that you stood in front of the television or even standing in line at Starbucks. There will always be the same place, but never the same you. Sure, there will be different people, but there will also be a different you.

So long as our perceptions keep changing and the world keeps spinning, the situations, philosophies and stories that we are all handed are gifts that could be used in whichever way we want them to be used.

Until next time,

Reyna Michelle

Dear blog,

It been a hard time for me to really accept that it's people that do the changing, not life. Situations are hard, and the situations that come together along with people are what make life. And life, quite frankly, is hard.
Actions are provoked by thoughts, and thoughts are provoked by actions.

I keep getting upset about the things that are changing, and I have this imaginary facade that I would come home and think that I could push through the things that are the most troubling.

But as much as I try to keep my life here, I know that I don't belong here anymore. Yes, this was my life, but my new life is somewhere else. I panic when I start to feel like this life that I love will no longer be in my grasp anymore.

Dear blog,
I have fallen in love.
I have fallen in my new life, my new friends, my new self. I have fallen madly, and deeply in love with this. I love how my friends make me feel about people, and I love how my friends make me feel to be loved. I love the freedom, the clean slate, the purity that comes along with starting fresh. Almost like you've been reborn. What did I do to deserve this?
Nothing, really I guess.

People will change, and your thoughts of people would change. Characteristics that don't align with preference or perceptions of fairness are what, I feel at least, make the hardest conflicts.

Blog, I can let people hurt me as much as possible, but being away from home has made me realize the life that I left behind. Not the town, not the people, but the situations. The yelling, the hurt, the dysfunctional separation can't hurt me anymore. I don't belong here, anymore.

I don't belong to the me that was here.

-Reyna

You were supposed to be

I hung up the phone with a sing-songie voice.
At times, I would stay quiet so that the other line couldn't hear my voice actually shake.

Full of flawlessness and genuine love
Being corrupted in this tragic world
It hurts to see such beauty be stomped, ruined, and trampled
By the ugly ugly ugly ugly ugliness of this world

The purity
The innocence
and genuine love

Taken full advantage of, and deceived
The oceans of iniquity swallowed this perfection whole, and there was nothing that I could do to save it

Because now, things are ruined. Permanently Tainted.
And the anticipation for the bloom of success is now engulfed by the raging sea and drowned in the abyss of emptiness

God has a plan for us

But we have free will.
Free. free. will.

Free will that allows us to be swallowed by the tragedies of the world

Do we say that drug-addicts are living out to God's plan?
What about the users who hurt their families and die never knowing Him?
It's because of free will.

Free will took this purity away
The decisions of this imperfect world STOLE what was so beautiful

It hurts
and we can never get this impurity back

I'm Okay {Personal Blog Post}

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that.

There are times where I feel like my anxiety is going to consume all of me. I'm so frightened for my own existence. I'm so afraid that I'm no benefit or help to anyone. I feel like sometimes I don't have anything to offer to people.
Sometimes I feel too afraid to leave my bed, because I'm not good enough to take on what the day has to offer to me.

But I'm only me. Little. Little Me.
Focusing on change is whats essential for my poor little broken heart. I feel broken, and I've said that I'm broken over and over again. But I know that I'm not alone; I may forget, but I know that I'm not.

So this leads me to the question: Where am I today?

Well, I'm so grateful to find that my personal key antidote to my seemingly never ending melancholy is- get this- Love. Its not like I was ever unaware from knowing love's true and never-ending benefits. It's just that...I was always looking at the hurt that comes from it.

With love, comes pain.
Pain that makes you feel unwanted,
unsure
neglected
insignificant

I guess, for the longest time, I was only letting myself see the hurt in love. I mean, that all I knew. I didn't grow up as a Christian.
I mean, we knew God, went to a Catholic church on sundays. But I wasn't a self-sacrificial follower of Jesus until I was 16 years old.

My parents divorced when I was 10, and it was then that I learned too soon of what heart-ache, neglect and sadness truly is. I feel like sadness is a word that is far too undermined. Sadness can be one of the most self-destructive, or most therapeutic things a person can feel.
My young little self learned these complexities far too young.
It only continued,
I only let myself be hurt by other people, because I felt thats what I deserved. I put up a barrier.

But we learn and we grow. I'm almost 20.
Can you believe that, blog? I started this when I was at the hardest time in my life, and it's going to move on to 2 years since I began this blog journey. I'm so thankful for words, memories, and love.

Love was what was destructing me for so long; but it's also what's saved my life.

I don't know how my life would be without the friends and family that I have. Sometimes it's hard to shake off the feelings of insecurities. But I'm only me. Little. Little me.
Little me just taking it one day at a time.

I am content.
With where I am, and who I love
Thank you, God, for the gift of love and allowing us to love you.

-Reyna

Daughter of Christ

It's hard to admit that I'm a daughter of the Almighty and perfect God.

It's hard to realize that the blessed Messiah would pour his perfect and holy blood for my salvation

I guess the whole point of being a Christian is to admit that we don't deserve it.

But I feel like I don't deserve anything

I don't know where I'm going with this. But my dear blog, I just want to record that it was hard, today.

It is a constant battle to refrain from being engulfed of every single insecurity that I have.
It hurts so so much

How profound it is to not be missed
How troublesome it is to not be loved
By the worldly figures of shared blood
For the eyes betrayed the heart with tears of perceived sorrow
seemingly
I believed
But deep down I always knew
That one day I would be looking for you
You
Who ever you are
Him
Her
Me
Myself
Who are you?

I can't help but cry
I feel the heaviness of my eyes grow puffy and dry
But I can't waste my time with pitiful why's
Because why isn't the only answer

I suppose there's no moral yet,
But all in time will I understand
who
For such worldly things are above my head
And such understandings are but yet,
The only key to understanding distress

So I will rest my heart
Rest my soul
And save my smile

Because apparently, we're not alone in this crazy world. And despite all of the silly assumptions of character and knowledge, we all don't get it. Hah, we just don't.
Is something that my friends and I say.

I guess no matter how impossible life seems, we're all given the gift of emotions.
We are given the gift to be hurt, and to feel love because it is what we deeply, deeply desire.
I will save my smile. I guess for the sake of myself
But mostly because, I truly have a reason to. As does every one else.
So chin up,
Because this hurt is the outcome of a gift
Not a burden
Just because we don't like something, doesn't mean that it can't teach us anything.
-Reyna

Consequences

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Eric.

Pardon my lack of knowledge, but Eric's precise age in this story is unknown.
Eric also had a little sister who used to call him Erica just to get on his nerves; he really hated being called Erica. Oh, and he also loved to eat sticks of butter while hiding behind the refrigerator. He also had his collection of Pokemon cards, Nascar toys, and Bionicle figures.
Eric was in elementary school.

One day, the teacher said, "Since you all behaved so badly, you will all take the consequences"
Eric was so scared of this foreign word, that he told our mom that he refused to go to school. When he told her, "She said we're going to face the consequences," my mom gently explained to him that this word meant no harm. She then proceeded to tell the teacher that she should not be speaking to students in such a way that would frighten them.

Eric is the kinda guy who would be my best friend in high school, to care not to conform to the social statuses in the general norm and just be himself. His geeky, nerdy self. I guess I take back what I have to say about the whole best friend in high school thing. I'm blessed to call this guy my brother. He's the best because I know what kinda guy he is. Sweet, innocent, caring, self-respectful, compassionate, and loving. He's an amazing man that I love watching grow more and more curious about God, and open to learning more about Him.

I don't know why I told this story. I guess it's to remind myself of the little innocent things that would make me smile. Eric is the kinda guy who would stay home with his sister and mom and watch the Ellen Show, to hug his puppy and make the connections with friends that are intuitive and who matter. I love my brother. So, so much.

And don't worry Gagie, your blog post is coming soon. (My other brother)

I love both of my big brothers. So So much.

-Your little sister, Reyna

Happiness Runs In A Circular Motion

You guys remember that commercial with the cheerios and stuff? I like that commercial.

Knowing and understanding what happiness is, is different than living in it. I know that for me personally, it was almost impossible to live in happiness; even though I ever so badly wanted to. I just couldn't. Not that I wouldn't but that I couldn't.
But it's pretty much everywhere. It's all around us and it's seemingly inevitable to escape this bubble of unhappiness that we're confined in. Yet, we see society through an unhappy lens.
But we all know how really messed up society is, and factually, not everyone is happy.

Did you know that 80% of people with clinical depression are not receiving help for it?
And also, 20% more of Americans are diagnosed yearly.
I supposed this also connects with the controversy of depression being a product of the medical industry. Me? I believe in depression. Because I lived through it for longer than I should have. Yes, people are over diagnosed, but those that are severely suffering should most definitely get help.

What happens when you break an arm? You get a cast.
Lets dig deeper.

What happens when a child has epilepsy? Do we give them 21st century medication? Of course we give them medicine!

So why wouldn't a depressed person do that with their brain?

I know that for me, there was a chemical imbalance because of my Grave's Disease. Just as any other clinically depressed patient, there were abnormal issues that were chemically happening in my brain, and it was only becoming worse because I refused to take medicine.
When I started taking serotonin supplements, I noticed a significant change in my mood; I wasn't happier, but I wasn't sad. And that was what was most important: I was no longer sad.

SO! Here are some ways that you can naturally enhance your day with happiness and not sad feelings (:

1. Do not overstimulate- Take one thing in at a time, if you have a full schedule, organize a calendar. Make sure that you do prioritize the things that are important, and head in to them with a confident mindset. Also, having a clean working/living space is also very helpful.
2. Take Care of Yourself- It feels good to eat well. As delicious as pizza is, it is unhealthy. And as yummy and stimulating as coffee is, it is far too unhealthy. There ARE healthy alternatives to everything; even pizza. I'm not saying "go vegan" oh heavens no. But just be aware of the nutrients your body needs on the daily. Actually, I did a research project in my nutrition class on the effects of junk food and skin. My results were quite intriguing (:
3. Be Around Good People- Now, there's not really such thing as a "good person", but be around the people who make you feel 100% comfortable with yourself. People you do not have to walk on eggshells around (yes, they do exist). The reason why I love my friends is because we are so ourselves around each other, that anything we might do to tick someone off (which actually never really happens) is immediately resolved. Find friends that love you for everything that you are, and you love them for everything that they are. I write more about this in my post called, "Happily Me".
4. Get Some Fresh Air- I love video games as much as the next kid, but sunlight and outside IS good for you. As funny as those internet jokes about being a social outcast are; please do not take them to full seriousness. Being outside has a variety of benefits for your mental health. The sun and wind on your skin will make you feel awake and ready for the day.

And that's about it!

Until next time,

Reyna Michelle