The answer to the question, "who am I" seems like one that is inevitably insolvable.
The human brain is said to have finished development in our mid-twenties, which means that our cognition for decision making, as well as personality, is still in the continuation of it's works. I am a nineteen year old young woman who is attending college; who also happens to hold a strong-willed personality on her shoulders. I guess in the traces of human development (which I will be taking this coming fall semester from the psychological and neurotic point of view), a person develops his or her personality and temperament from the time he or she is a toddler. So, it's not a matter of a person changing up until he or she is twenty, rather, he or she matures more in to the traits that he or she has always had.
My name is Carmela Michelle Martinez.
I was born in the year 1995; the prime time of the immense escalate of the video game industry. Brilliant classics were continued to be chucked and thrown at our faces with mind-blowing entertainment and excitement. We had the Dreamcast, original Playstation, Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Nintendo 64.
Spiro the Dragon ~ Crash ~ Banjo and Kazooie ~ Resident Evil ~ Silent Hill ~Diddy Kong Racing ~ 007 - EVERYTHING. Including, my favorite, the Legend of Zelda.
Oh it was a grand time, indeed.
I grew up with two older brothers who were absolutely engulfed in the world of video games, and I was also six years old when I played my first Legend of Zelda game that changed my life.
Warm Springs Elementary School was the school that showed me to not be who I am. I was bullied, physically pushed, and ostracized by my peers. The girls my age wanted to play dolls, but all I really cared about were the new Nintendo hand-held consoles that were being released. I wanted to read and explore more of the things that I wondered about; always seeking answers to questions no one else really cared about. I remember quoting one of my favorite books, and the girls looked at me with such distaste, that I felt like garbage. It was as if I wasn't supposed to think the things that I did, and that if I shared any of my thoughts, it was wrong.
I continued in Junior High at a different city, and went on with my 4.0 streak with ease. It was in high school where the events of elementary school finally caught up to me.
Long story short, I was NOT bullied in high school, even though for whatever reason, everyone thinks I was. The teachers did suck, and the curriculum was bogus enough for me to not take seriously. Plus, I was even more depressed with not being myself, that I grew this repulsive form of self-hatred.
Why am I telling this story? Because it's part of the journey that I had to go through to learn and find out who I am, as well as how the decisions that I made in the course of my life led me up to where I am today.
Today, I am Reyna Michelle Martinez. The video-game, comic book loving, derpy, dorky and nerdy girl who loves reading, writing and expressing her thoughts out loud. Who also just so happens to love makeup, fashion and girly things. (Yes, the two CAN go together)
No more suppressing. No more hiding.
In the summer of 2014, a cousin that I grew up with had passed away. He was only 20 years old and had lived his life by the lesson that a lot of us learned on the day of his passing. To be yourself.
Yeah, the cliche movies tell us this all of the time. But really, he didn't care. He loved being himself, and lived his life without us remembering the harsh reality of the condition of his heart.
I can't explain the brilliance of my cousin. Really, you would have had to know him to understand; and frankly, I am so glad that I do. I'm also glad that I was able to speak and share the wonderful memories and lessons that he brought to us during his life at his funeral.
I was bullied for being myself. But who cares? I HATED who I was pretending to be. Now that I am nineteen, I love being so expressive of my geekyness. I love who I am. I don't give a rat's ass if someone hates me for being myself- and that's just it! If ANYONE out there hates you for being yourself, THEY are the one with the problem. We were born to be unique and significantly individualized in our own way.
I promise you, that now that I let myself be me, I have never felt more content in life. I have also met the most AMAZING people who mean the whole world to me because they know and love who I truly am.
Read books, make videos, start a blog! Whatever it may be, you are gifted in what you love. Whether it may be thinking, research, talking, dancing, singing.
My cousin was born with an unhealthy heart. But his WHOLE LIFE was dedicated to what he loved: video games. He was always on top of the newest releases, the newest updates- you name it. And he sure as hell didn't care what anyone else thought of that; while there are healthy people who hide what they love to do because of the fear of being wrongfully judged by other people.
I love to blog, I love to express my thoughts, I love to read, I love to research, and I love to help people. & I will do just that!
Doubt has killed more dreams than failure ever has
Yours Truly,
Reyna Michelle
I never understood why kids can be so cruel and terrible. My heart really goes out to you for having to endure that. My story is somewhat similar. I remember in 7th grade this kid named Jerry (funny how we remember some of these things very distinctly) made fun of my old, white, torn sketchers shoes. He said they looked like clown shoes and were ugly. I liked my sketchers, and they were comfy. That’s why I wore them to everything. Sure, they were old and really beat up, but so what? I remember how sad I was when he made fun of them because they weren’t what all the cool kids were wearing at the time (etnies, Osiris, and other skate shoes since skating was a thing at the time). I remember having my mom take me to the store to buy me some Circa skate shoes. It’s there that I began slowly dressing different to try to “fit in.”
ReplyDeleteI also remember being called “stupid” and “fat” by this girl named Amanda Braxton in elementary. I was like in first or second grade and she was in at least 6th grade at the time. All I know is she was old enough to know better. I remember getting my pants pulled down by a freakin high school sophomore when I was in 2nd or third grade. This all happened at a Christian elementary by the way. I didn’t understand why people we so mean to me. I remember crying a lot of the time and expressing hatred towards those people.
I slowly changed how I dressed and acted just to appease my classmates. I remember I wanted to try so hard in school so that I can show and prove to people that I’m not stupid. I was actually pretty successful in elementary and high school: 3.94 GPA and honors. But all that came from a drive to prove those kids wrong. I remember being in high school. I was always a little chubby, and I wore plain Old Navy shirts and big baggy cargo shorts. Then before Junior year started, I began running and eating well. I went out and changed my wardrobe and dressed like a skater. Then everyone noticed me and gave me respect. Then the girls I had crushes on started to care. It actually saddened me more because these people now paid attention to me after I changed the superficial stuff; after I hid myself and my interests; after I appeased them.
Now, look at me. Just like you said, who gives a rats ass what people think. I’m a college student, and I still plop myself on a couch for hours and indulge in video games. I am crazy about the Lord of the Rings. I like Disney stuff, and yeah, I freakin’ have Mickey plush dolls in my room because I think they’re pretty cool. I collect quarters for goodness sake! I read ALL THE TIME. And after starting college, I realized that it doesn’t matter what people think about me and my likes. I loved this part since it sums up my experience and thoughts: “I was bullied for being myself. But who cares? I HATED who I was pretending to be. Now that I am nineteen, I love being so expressive of my geekyness. I love who I am. I don't give a rat's ass if someone hates me for being myself- and that's just it! If ANYONE out there hates you for being yourself, THEY are the one with the problem. We were born to be unique and significantly individualized in our own way.”
It’s like that cliché: I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. It’s so true. This post was really awesome, and I had to comment again and let you know that you’re not alone. Haha, I’m supposed to be writing a paper right now for theology, but I’m not because I’m on here. Your posts are fascinating. I’ll definitely be following
BTW: Have you ever gotten into the Metal Gear series? THAT is my favorite video game series. Gosh, don't even get my going on that. Anyways, you should definitely check it out. That game has great gameplay, and the story is FANTASTIC. It's so thought provoking, funny, and philosophical. I have literally cried at the ending of 3 of those games because it was that good.